Depression hurts...
Nov. 13th, 2018 06:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leslieleYou all know that I struggle with depression. I have since I was an early teenager. And anxiety since I can remember. I grew up in a household divided-- going to my dad's every other weekend because of the custody agreement, and living at home the rest of the time with my mom, stepdad, and brother and sister. I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood. I was hit frequently, I was yelled at pretty much daily, and my mother was/is a narcissist. I've been in therapy for 20 years because of it.
I've made tremendous progress when it comes to dealing with my family of origin. I haven't seen my mother, second stepdad, or sister in over 2 years. I stopped seeing my mom when I finally realized I'd had enough. Enough of setting boundaries and her crossing them. Enough of the guilt, the drama, the backhanded compliments, everything. My family did NOTHING for us when The got sick, and that was the final straw. My sister got cut out of my life when she tried to make my January 2017 cervical cancer diagnosis all about her. I'm DONE with them. ALL of them. I don't want them in my child's life. I don't want them in my life. D.O.N.E.
The has always been very supportive of me when it comes to dealing with my family. He has encouraged me every step of the way. He has had my back in all of my decisions to cut them out. He has always been well aware of my situation and the way they have taken advantage of me, and how I was emotionally abused.
Six months ago, things got weird. He started seeing Andi, the 21 yo stripper at the club he and Dan frequent. He started to act like a teenage boy with a crush. Then a teenage boy who was in love. Puppy love. Acting stupid. Making stupid decisions. Saying stupid things. Taking stupid risks at work, etc. when he should DEFINITELY know better. I've been telling him from the start that this relationship was a BAD idea. He doesn't want to listen to me. We have had discussion (argument) after discussion and he refuses to be sane when it comes to her. They aren't having sex. She only sees him at the club now. She has a baby daddy and a boyfriend other than The. She plays the three of them against one another and clearly does it for the attention. It's like watching some hs soap opera going on with all of the drama.
And The keeps spending time with her. He was going to see her 3-4 times a week, and I put a stop to it. Then it was just the weekends, but also maybe lunch. Now it's 10-2:30 in the morning, when the place closes down, on Fri and Sat nights. So, combine that with his being at dialysis MWF, and I'm home alone four nights a week. That doesn't make me happy. That's four nights a week of solo parenting, besides being by myself after G is in bed. It gets tiring.
It came down to him going to the club on Fri and Sat nights by default, and him saying, "Well, if something comes up, I won't go." Which made "something coming up" me having to ASK HIM to stay home for the night, instead of going to see her. Which makes ME the asshole who is stealing all of his fun. A week later, we had another discussion, and he got so bent out of shape, he accused me of forcing him to give her up, and he got out of the car saying, "I love you-- I guess I'm going to have to break up with Andi to prove it!" then he slammed the door.
Later in the afternoon, I got a text from him saying that it was over, and he didn't want to talk about it again. Which lead to two weeks of things being REAL polite around here. He would only look at me when he had to, only speak to me when he had to, kept looking at me like he HATED me. It was unbelievable. The amount of SPITE that he had in his eyes. Ugh. So, a week ago Saturday, we had a discussion, finally, where he told me all the ways I suck, and then I said, "FINE-- just see her. Do whatever you want, actually, I don't care. I just can't stand to be in this house with you staring at me like you HATE me."
Then I went out with Caitlin, who has been great in letting me escape to her house once a weekend. Jesus. I cannot believe the way he's been behaving. Of course, since that talk, he's been all roses and sunshine. Like nothing every happened. But I've been crying every day for over a month. Every day, he manages to do or say something to me that makes me burst into tears. My pain has been so much worse. Especially when I'm around him. I think the stress of being around him is making my pain worse.
Now I'm basically turning over all decision making to him. I'm letting him decide everything. I'm letting him make all the changes he wants around the house. I'm letting him just have his way with EVERYTHING. And I'm frozen. I feel like I did when I was a kid (yes, there was a point to this whole thing, if you're still reading! LOL) and my mom would yell at me, and I'd just go invisible. I can't move. I don't speak, I barely even breath. I just let him do whatever he wants and I breath when he goes to work. Or when he's out. Or when he's in the other room. I can't spend time with him right now, because my pain flares up. He's all happy now, because he has zero opposition.
Sunday, he decided to take G into work with him for a bit, because he had something to fix. They went in around 11:30. I reminded him to keep G fed every 2 hours, or he was going to have a hangry kid on his hands. He assured me they were fine. Around 2:00 I texted to see what they were doing, since they had bee gone for awhile. He said he was still working on his thing. Then I texted again at 3:00 to remind him I was waiting for them to go to the adoption event at Petsmart, and I really wanted to see the dogs and cats. They got home around 3:40, and Graham was crying, because we weren't going to the pool. The hadn't really handled it, and I was trying to soothe him. The got annoyed at ME and raised his voice, "Yeah, well, there I am-- a big disappointment for you again! Why don't you tell me more about how I mess everything up!" Then he stormed out of the house.
So, I waited a few minutes, then he wasn't coming back... I went outside to see where he was, and he was in his van, texting someone furiously. (I'm assuming it was Andi.) I asked him what was going on, and he was REALLY salty with me. Saying that he was trying to cool down because I was being so dismissive of him, etc. and that I obviously don't care that he had to get this thing done at work, because his work wasn't important to me. Which, I don't know where he gets THAT bullshit from--I'm always asking him about work and I take a big interest in what he does. He was super sarcastic and making faces at me, and I was like, "WHOA-- where is all this attitude coming from? I'm not yelling at you. I never raised my voice. I don't know why you are so mad at me." And he said he didn't "appreciate my tone and the look on my face" and that all I ever do is look at him like he's a huge disappointment. Which. Jesus. I have no idea if he sees that in me-- I don't do it on purpose!
We got Graham, ended up going to Panera to eat, then to the Petsmart. And of course, the pet event had already been cleaned up, and I didn't get to see any animals up for adoption. And I really wanted to pet dogs. I almost cried. I actually went out to the car to cry, while he and Graham wandered around 5 Below. But I didn't have it in me.
I've been feeling so desolate. I can't talk to my trusted partner anymore. Or at least not right now. I can't guarantee anything I say to him won't get twisted and turned around and used against me. I don't know what I did to deserve to be in this position, but I'm not happy. I'm so sad. And he specifically said the other day that he's tired of the fact that I'm always so sad. And that he feels like he's the reason I'm sad all the time. Every day, I hurt. So much. Internally. Externally. My soul hurts.
And now I'm in a little box. I feel like my inner self is in a little room, inside my head. Hiding. Trying to stay safe. It's very lonely.
I've made tremendous progress when it comes to dealing with my family of origin. I haven't seen my mother, second stepdad, or sister in over 2 years. I stopped seeing my mom when I finally realized I'd had enough. Enough of setting boundaries and her crossing them. Enough of the guilt, the drama, the backhanded compliments, everything. My family did NOTHING for us when The got sick, and that was the final straw. My sister got cut out of my life when she tried to make my January 2017 cervical cancer diagnosis all about her. I'm DONE with them. ALL of them. I don't want them in my child's life. I don't want them in my life. D.O.N.E.
The has always been very supportive of me when it comes to dealing with my family. He has encouraged me every step of the way. He has had my back in all of my decisions to cut them out. He has always been well aware of my situation and the way they have taken advantage of me, and how I was emotionally abused.
Six months ago, things got weird. He started seeing Andi, the 21 yo stripper at the club he and Dan frequent. He started to act like a teenage boy with a crush. Then a teenage boy who was in love. Puppy love. Acting stupid. Making stupid decisions. Saying stupid things. Taking stupid risks at work, etc. when he should DEFINITELY know better. I've been telling him from the start that this relationship was a BAD idea. He doesn't want to listen to me. We have had discussion (argument) after discussion and he refuses to be sane when it comes to her. They aren't having sex. She only sees him at the club now. She has a baby daddy and a boyfriend other than The. She plays the three of them against one another and clearly does it for the attention. It's like watching some hs soap opera going on with all of the drama.
And The keeps spending time with her. He was going to see her 3-4 times a week, and I put a stop to it. Then it was just the weekends, but also maybe lunch. Now it's 10-2:30 in the morning, when the place closes down, on Fri and Sat nights. So, combine that with his being at dialysis MWF, and I'm home alone four nights a week. That doesn't make me happy. That's four nights a week of solo parenting, besides being by myself after G is in bed. It gets tiring.
It came down to him going to the club on Fri and Sat nights by default, and him saying, "Well, if something comes up, I won't go." Which made "something coming up" me having to ASK HIM to stay home for the night, instead of going to see her. Which makes ME the asshole who is stealing all of his fun. A week later, we had another discussion, and he got so bent out of shape, he accused me of forcing him to give her up, and he got out of the car saying, "I love you-- I guess I'm going to have to break up with Andi to prove it!" then he slammed the door.
Later in the afternoon, I got a text from him saying that it was over, and he didn't want to talk about it again. Which lead to two weeks of things being REAL polite around here. He would only look at me when he had to, only speak to me when he had to, kept looking at me like he HATED me. It was unbelievable. The amount of SPITE that he had in his eyes. Ugh. So, a week ago Saturday, we had a discussion, finally, where he told me all the ways I suck, and then I said, "FINE-- just see her. Do whatever you want, actually, I don't care. I just can't stand to be in this house with you staring at me like you HATE me."
Then I went out with Caitlin, who has been great in letting me escape to her house once a weekend. Jesus. I cannot believe the way he's been behaving. Of course, since that talk, he's been all roses and sunshine. Like nothing every happened. But I've been crying every day for over a month. Every day, he manages to do or say something to me that makes me burst into tears. My pain has been so much worse. Especially when I'm around him. I think the stress of being around him is making my pain worse.
Now I'm basically turning over all decision making to him. I'm letting him decide everything. I'm letting him make all the changes he wants around the house. I'm letting him just have his way with EVERYTHING. And I'm frozen. I feel like I did when I was a kid (yes, there was a point to this whole thing, if you're still reading! LOL) and my mom would yell at me, and I'd just go invisible. I can't move. I don't speak, I barely even breath. I just let him do whatever he wants and I breath when he goes to work. Or when he's out. Or when he's in the other room. I can't spend time with him right now, because my pain flares up. He's all happy now, because he has zero opposition.
Sunday, he decided to take G into work with him for a bit, because he had something to fix. They went in around 11:30. I reminded him to keep G fed every 2 hours, or he was going to have a hangry kid on his hands. He assured me they were fine. Around 2:00 I texted to see what they were doing, since they had bee gone for awhile. He said he was still working on his thing. Then I texted again at 3:00 to remind him I was waiting for them to go to the adoption event at Petsmart, and I really wanted to see the dogs and cats. They got home around 3:40, and Graham was crying, because we weren't going to the pool. The hadn't really handled it, and I was trying to soothe him. The got annoyed at ME and raised his voice, "Yeah, well, there I am-- a big disappointment for you again! Why don't you tell me more about how I mess everything up!" Then he stormed out of the house.
So, I waited a few minutes, then he wasn't coming back... I went outside to see where he was, and he was in his van, texting someone furiously. (I'm assuming it was Andi.) I asked him what was going on, and he was REALLY salty with me. Saying that he was trying to cool down because I was being so dismissive of him, etc. and that I obviously don't care that he had to get this thing done at work, because his work wasn't important to me. Which, I don't know where he gets THAT bullshit from--I'm always asking him about work and I take a big interest in what he does. He was super sarcastic and making faces at me, and I was like, "WHOA-- where is all this attitude coming from? I'm not yelling at you. I never raised my voice. I don't know why you are so mad at me." And he said he didn't "appreciate my tone and the look on my face" and that all I ever do is look at him like he's a huge disappointment. Which. Jesus. I have no idea if he sees that in me-- I don't do it on purpose!
We got Graham, ended up going to Panera to eat, then to the Petsmart. And of course, the pet event had already been cleaned up, and I didn't get to see any animals up for adoption. And I really wanted to pet dogs. I almost cried. I actually went out to the car to cry, while he and Graham wandered around 5 Below. But I didn't have it in me.
I've been feeling so desolate. I can't talk to my trusted partner anymore. Or at least not right now. I can't guarantee anything I say to him won't get twisted and turned around and used against me. I don't know what I did to deserve to be in this position, but I'm not happy. I'm so sad. And he specifically said the other day that he's tired of the fact that I'm always so sad. And that he feels like he's the reason I'm sad all the time. Every day, I hurt. So much. Internally. Externally. My soul hurts.
And now I'm in a little box. I feel like my inner self is in a little room, inside my head. Hiding. Trying to stay safe. It's very lonely.